Losing Myself
by Frenzied Nerves
Summary: Post-movie/presequel*SPOILERS FOR 1ST MOVIE* A character`s thoughts and actions as he slowly loses his humanity to become a very familiar Umbrella creation. 1st person point of view. R&R please :) Thanx!


Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with Resident Evil-the movie and the game. All characters and maybe places are all part of this company.   
  
****I plan on extending some parts of this if I have time. I may continue this with Nemesis` POV still. We shall see. : )  
  
****Well I saw Resident Evil the movie and I loved it. I didn`t care if it didn`t follow the games exactly. That`s why it is a movie and that`s why it is BASED on the games and the novels. Anyways….I thought that it would be kind of fun to write what the character Matt who ended up getting taken away at the end for the Nemesis project was thinking after the movie and before the sequel that is being made as I am writing this. This basically is just his inner mind after he was dragged away to up to his transformation. This is my first movie fic. Be gentle. Please no flames.  
  
  
-Losing Myself-  
  
  
I stopped trying a long time ago how to get out of this hell….to think about how long it`s been since they dragged me away. I think that it`s only been hours or maybe a day. I don`t really know. All of what happened in the hive happened within three hours. After that I can`t recall much…..  
  
I itch at my skin. The feel of it makes me want to throw up. The texture is leathery and slimy at the same time. I slide so easily across the floor when I curl up to go to sleep. No. Those members of Umbrella didn`t give me a bed to rest in. They mentioned hooking me up to something right before they threw me in here. I haven`t heard anything else from them.  
  
I remember how useless it was to bang at the door and scream. No one responded. No one checked up on me. They left me completely alone in the dark, I can`t see a damned thing. There`s nothing in the room that I can grasp or lay down on. I already looked anyways. I crawled around the cold metal floors for about the second or third hour…..I think. I let my side touch the walls. After circling it I made the assumption that it was roughly 24 by 24 feet. I only guess though. I crossed the room once. Nothing.  
  
I feel cold again and the tingling in my skin is getting worse. When will this end? I know that they won`t help me. They care too much about their scientific research with that virus. Keeping that in mind I wonder where Alice is. I didn`t see where they took her. I remember them mentioning hooking her up to test her for infection.  
  
I must have the worst luck in the world. I`ve lost so much. I lost my sisters, those people that came in to do their work and my newly acquainted friend Alice. I don`t know if they killed her or not. Knowing Umbrella they will do something awful to her. Maybe they already did.  
  
For awhile I let myself drift away into my thoughts. I let the world dissolve away. I see myself laying here then the door bursts open. I see Alice standing there. She helps me stand and she drags me behind her while she fires away at anyone who gets in our way. Somewhere we get the antidote. I`m cured. We escape and disappear to somewhere….anywhere….where we never have to be subjected to such misery again. Where Umbrella is not a name that anybody would recognize.  
  
No. It`s not real. It`s stupid to think about such fantasies. I`ll never see her again.  
  
My right eye burns again. I touch the area around it. Lumpy flesh over the bone under my eyebrow meets my leathery fingers. It feels raw. Dying I suppose. My other eye doesn`t feel so bad. In fact….I think that my vision there is improving. I think that I can see an outline of the room now. I`m not sure though. My mind is playing tricks on me.  
  
My back leans up to the door. My backbone scraps against the door. I felt it a few minutes ago. My flesh feels strained around it. I think that the pain is over for that though. Now my entire body is burning. I grasp my head. My hair is falling out. I`m already nearly bald. My brain pounds against my skull like a jackhammer. I can hardly stand it anymore.  
  
This time it lasts a little longer than the last time. My clothes feel tighter as if I`m growing. I`m not surprised. I`m not going to be a zombie. I`m becoming something else.  
  
Something worse.  
  
How did it come to this? Really…..why? Why do we all have to suffer through their mistakes? They don`t care how many die so long as they get some compensation in the end.   
  
Damn anyone who works for Umbrella and doesn`t do anything about it! All they do is sit around and do nothing! Nothing! They can`t stop the entire world...can they?  
  
What am I saying?! This is Umbrella!! They own half the damn world! Hell...they might own the entire world for all I know. I was only trying to steal from one underground corporation. Lisa....  
  
Lisa....I`m so sorry. I should have gone in there and not you. I don`t know what I was thinking. I`m the reason you are dead now. You were my only family. I`m the only one left....but not for long. Not for long.  
  
The tingling in my skin spreads until I can feel it all over my body. The excruciating feeling forces me to scratch long bloody furrows over my arms and my legs. The skin feels strange as usual. That dry, bumpy flesh is becoming normal. It`s almost like I don`t care anymore. I do care but something in my head feels normal. That scares the shit out of me.  
  
I want this shit to be over with. I just want it to happen. I sure as hell can`t kill myself. How would I? Bang my head against the walls maybe? No. They`d come down here and....  
  
They would come in to check on me. They would come and I would have a chance. A chance to escape. I can find Alice and any other innocents that they`ve hooked up. Yeah. Yeah!   
  
I sit myself up on my knees. My right eye is on fire. Balancing on one knee I slam my head into the cold metal. At first I only see white then flashes of white and black. Stars all around my head....shit....Too hard. I need to be more careful if I want to escape. I drag myself up to my knees and repeat the process being a little more careful this time. Again and again. My head hurts pretty badly but somehow I don`t pass out. I stop when footsteps start from down the hallway.  
  
They heard. Good. Good. Come on in, boys.   
  
The strain on my legs as I stand does not compare to my head. I think that I hit my head against there instead of my fist because I do want to die.  
  
One thing at a time. I have to do this one thing at a time.  
  
The door is opening. The light burns so badly but I can still see the shapes in the doorway. I shove myself at them. My heart sinks when they seemed to have anticipated...until I amazingly knock the first one halfway across the room and the second across the hall. The hall reminds me off a hospital. An Umbrella hospital in truth though. The second man was still down. His arms looked funny. Broken.  
  
Shit I`m strong!   
  
I run. I run for a long time all the while glancing at every door. My right eyes is basically useless now. I can only use my left one. I stop. Something in my gut tells me to look in this door. I glance in. I notice now that I have to lean down to look into it. My heart soars.   
  
Alice!  
  
I bang my hand against the door hardly noticing the ugly greenish tissue and bulkiness of it. She stirs slightly. Her lips form into words that I can`t understand. My mind can`t go over what they might be. English is starting to become harder to understand. Very hard.  
  
Her eyes flutter slightly. A sharp pain enters my side and I`m falling. I fall to the ground. I can see them coming towards me with a gun.  
  
Damn them. Damn them. I was so close. So close....  
  
I can hear them approaching me and I hear no more...  
  
---------------------  
  
Pain. Arms heavy. Something poking into me. Hurts badly.  
  
Light through my eye is painful. Painful. I can smell them. I can smell them moving around me behind windows. They did something to me.   
  
Hip hurts when I move. Table cold. Table with straps. Restraints restraining me. I must escape. Alice must live. Alice will live. We will live. Umbrella will pay. Pay dearly.  
  
Foreign words. Why are they foreign? English. English words all around. Nothing. Nothing makes sense.   
  
Door opening. White coats. White coats coming to get me. A hand on my arm. My inhuman arm. Sticking pain. Pain in my arm. Mind not clear. Eye is heavy. Right eyes is useless.  
  
Darkness. Sweet darkness with no pain....  
  
---------------------  
  
Darkness even with eye open. Good. Good. Feels good on eye.   
  
Stitches. Stitches in my head. Stitches are right eye now. Stitches itch. Head large. Head bumpy. Fingers thick. Strange slick clothing.   
  
Not human. Not human anymore. They win. They win.  
  
Alice. Alice is dead. Alice is dead and gone. Umbrella wins. Umbrella always wins.   
  
Hungry. So hungry. One word. One word. One word. One of some words in english that I know.  
  
Stars........  
  
Stars........  
  
People who fight Umbrella. People who fight for death.  
  
Stars.......  
  
So hungry. Stars....STARSSSSSS......tasty....  
  
Door not so hard to open anymore. Door break under fist much easier now. Door gone. Door gone. Person weak at door. Head easy to crush. Blood everywhere. Blood tasty.  
  
Clock. Can`t read clock. Not care. Food matters. More people die. Blood tasty.  
  
Umbrella people gone. Die. Food.   
  
Door. Door recognize. Alice in door. Alice not dead. Alice alive. No kill Alice. Alice good. People watching bad. People bad.  
  
Door next to room easy to crush. Men inside tasty. Pictures of Alice. Alice is sleeping. Not for long. Sitting up. Screaming. Screaming. Blood all over. Tasty. Blood is tasty.  
  
Leave Alice alone. Alice good.  
  
STARSSSSS  
  
STARSSSSS  
  
STARSSSSSSSSSSS  
  
Will die. Will die.........  
  
***Just a little first person point of view. This is my version of what happened up to the point where Alice woke up because I think that Matt was in the room with the survillience cameras who walked by. Anyways...this goes from Matt thinking and going insane to thinking more simply until only a few things make sense as he becomes Nemesis. There is no real concept of time because I assume that Matt didn`t know during this time.   
  
I might redo some of this. Give me your thoughts. Thanx!! :) 


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